Merel Damhuis #honestmomstories with a touch of grief

Seppe’s Birth

There he is! Our Seppe. After a smooth and pleasant delivery, our fourth child was born on August 20, 2023, at 11:31 a.m. He’s the little brother of Tijn*, Else, and Hidde.

It still feels surreal that he’s finally here. I woke up at 6 a.m. this morning with mild back contractions; by 8 a.m. we were at the hospital, and by 11:31 a.m., Seppe was lying on my chest. And now we’re already back home, feeling great. Else and Hidde have already met their little brother and given him plenty of kisses. This is more than I could ever ask for, and I can’t put into words how grateful I am that Seppe is with us.

Seppe’s Birth

I’ve given birth twice before at 37 weeks: Else was born at 37W4D and Hidde at 37W2D. Because of that, I just assumed this baby would also be born at 37 weeks. But 37 weeks went by, and so did 38 weeks…. Still no baby. My patience was put to the test, and so was my mental state. Because I absolutely didn’t want to give birth too early—especially not with a baby in a breech position—but giving birth later than 37 weeks also turned out to be difficult. Sometimes the fear felt overwhelming: What if something else goes wrong with our baby now? The movements changed, and I wasn’t used to that. In fact, I had just gotten used to feeling kicks high up in my belly because, due to the breech position, I hadn’t felt that during this pregnancy yet. It wasn’t until after the external version that I felt those familiar kicks against my ribs. Finally!

On Monday, August 14, I have a phone appointment with my gynecologist at the end of the day. I’m sleeping very poorly and am completely worn out. We agree that she’ll induce labor on Friday, August 18, if that’s even possible by then. At that point, I’ll be 39W3D. The week drags on, but I’ve come to terms with it. I spend my time pottering around the house, resting, meditating, watching TV shows, and cuddling with the kids. That’s all I can manage—both physically and mentally. On Thursday afternoon, I have an appointment with a foot reflexologist. She gives me a soothing treatment that we hope will help kickstart labor. I leave feeling relaxed. The kids are sleeping at my parents’ house that night. Daan and I head to the hospital on Friday morning, feeling well-rested. Fortunately, I’m now 3 cm dilated, so the OB can perform a membrane sweep. I don’t feel a thing, even though she warns me it might hurt. After the membrane stripping, they also do a CTG to check on Guppie. Everything looks good. However, I do agree that I want to be induced. The poor sleep and stress have left me mentally at my wit’s end. I want to wait through the weekend and am allowed to call the hospital on Monday morning, August 21. If there’s room, I’ll be induced that day—one day before my due date.

The day after the striptease

Saturday, August 19. I have a slimy discharge. Again. It happened two weeks ago, too—back then I thought I was losing my mucus plug and would go into labor soon. So now I’m trying not to read too much into it. I’m also noticing some lower back pain. I was actually planning to go to an indoor playground with Daan and the kids, but I don’t think that’s a good idea. Sitting is uncomfortable, and I’m feeling a little restless. I ask my mom if she’ll go with them. That way, if Daan has to leave, she can stay with the kids. But in the end, this isn’t necessary. We have another quiet Saturday afternoon at home, and after Daan puts the kids to bed, I go for a short walk on Saturday evening. I put on my Hupnobirthing meditation through my headphones and get some exercise. I used to get hard contractions while walking, but now everything is very calm. I’m a little disappointed. The induction is getting closer and closer, and I had so hoped it would start on its own… Still, I’m going to sleep peacefully. Daan and I watched a TV series together in bed, and I feel relaxed.

Sunday morning, August 20. At 6 a.m., I wake up with pain in my back. I know that pain! The uncomfortable sensation comes about every 5 minutes. It’s kind of like severe menstrual cramps. I realize that I’d been half-awake a few times that night because I’d felt something similar then, too. I think it’s starting! I wake up Daan and tell him I’m going to take a quick shower. Let’s see if it keeps up…

In the shower, the cramps keep coming every 5 minutes. They’re easy to handle and don’t last very long yet. Still, after my shower, I call the hospital to check in. Since I’m still so calm, they advise me to call back 5 quarters of an hour later, at 8:00. I call my parents to let them know we’ll be bringing the kids over, then head upstairs to get Hidde dressed. But then things move quickly. Suddenly, I start having stronger contractions and can no longer manage them well. I decide to lie down on the bed. Daan quickly takes the kids away and then calls the hospital at 7:40 a.m. to let them know we’re on our way.

Hospital

Things are moving quickly at the hospital. We let @kirstenmulder.fotografie know she can come. When I’m examined a little less than an hour after arriving, it turns out I’m already 5 cm dilated. I ask for pain relief (remifentanil). Hidde’s birth was so long and exhausting that I’m allowing myself this respite. The pump is hooked up and provides immediate relief. Both physically and mentally, it gives me the space to focus on my body without panicking. I can just feel our baby being pushed down by the contractions. Around 11:00 a.m., I get the feeling that my contractions are changing. I don’t have the urge to push yet, but it feels like I need to pee. Still, it turns out I’m 10 cm dilated. However, Guppie isn’t low enough in my pelvis yet. My bladder is being emptied because I can’t do it myself anymore. My water still hasn’t broken on its own…

At 11:22, the midwife breaks my water. I feel the amniotic fluid flowing. Fortunately, it’s clear. For a moment, I don’t know what to do. I’m lying on my side and actually want to change positions, but then a contraction hits! All I can do is push. Push, push, push. The midwife and assistant midwife give me instructions. After the head comes out, I have to wait. I’m not used to this. I can feel them doing something to our baby. Fortunately, I’m allowed to push again shortly afterward, and I’m soon able to hold our baby myself. As I hold him, I see a little penis. “It’s a boy!” I shout. Our son is placed on my stomach and starts crying not long after. He’s turning blue because the umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and torso. But there’s no reason to panic—he’s doing fine and the blue color quickly fades.

I specifically ask that the umbilical cord be allowed to pulse out completely. Despite the blood loss I experienced last time, I think this is very important. About 17 minutes after Seppe’s birth, the placenta is delivered as well. Still attached to the umbilical cord. A half-lotus! Daan cuts the umbilical cord, and Seppe stays lying with me. First, we’ll just enjoy each other’s company, and then we’ll do all the checks later… What a special birth—one I’d only dared to dream of.